


Assuming a Body

by mothicalcreatures (laelreenia)



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Closeted Character, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gender Identity, Gender Issues, Internalized Transphobia, M/M, Multi, Pre-Crisis Core, Pre-Relationship, Shinra is awful, Tags May Change, Trans Man Genesis, Unresolved Tension, agender sephiroth, does it count as closeted if you don't even think you're in the closet?, gender research, hojo is awful, intersex Sephiroth, of a sort, sephiroth is doing his best, they're teenagers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-07-28 07:54:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20060590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laelreenia/pseuds/mothicalcreatures
Summary: Sepiroth had never exactly thought about what gender means for him until a conversation with Genesis makes him curious enough to look further.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note about the discussion of intersexuality in this fic: Sephiroth, raised and exposed to most medical things via Hojo, who is horrible, does not have the most well rounded idea of what being intersex is. I, the author, am aware that being intersex is not "just a medical condition," Sephiroth is not.

There were times, after long conversations with Genesis, that Sephiroth found his knowledge of the world to be sorely lacking. They’d had one such conversation just a few hours ago, about gender of all things. It had never been something that Sephiroth had thought about to any great regard. He was called a man, so why should he assume he was otherwise. When he was a child, Hojo had explained that men had penises and women didn’t, and while sometimes things got mixed up in utero they were either easy to fix or of negligible effect, as was Sephiroth’s case.

What Genesis spoke of seemed exceedingly complicated. Gender could be anything and everything, man, woman, neither, both, somewhere in the middle. He spoke of multitudes and shifts and being assigned the wrong sex at birth.

Sephiroth had tried to seek out books on the matter, thinking the medical library the best place to look, as Genesis had mentioned things about “gender confirmation surgeries.” However, all he found was an old book with crumbling yellow pages that proclaimed something about hermaphrodites and a lot things stated as fact that Sephiroth could deduce with his limited medical knowledge as probably not right. He kept the book anyway. It was unlikely anyone would miss it.

Sephiroth had heard Hojo use the word “intersex”in regard to him once, and after a little more digging in the medical library at the University of Midgar he realized that the conditions considered “intersex,” were likely what that old book called “hermaphrodites.” He still was having no luck with the _gender_ aspects Genesis had been talking about, however. Intersexuality was clearly something different, it was a set of medical conditions of the body not the amorphous gender “identities” that Genesis had spoken of. They didn’t seem quite as medical as the information he was finding about intersexuality. Genesis had said there were medical _options _for those who wanted them, but that they weren’t inherently necessary, and he’d gone on to explain his own choices not to pursue any surgeries and keep his breasts and reproductive system intact.

Asking Genesis about books was always an option, but that seemed… Sephiroth didn’t know what it seemed like other than something he didn’t want to do. Maybe it felt a little like admitting defeat, that this was something he was unable to figure out on his own.

He was still frustrated when he left the library several hours later. He didn’t like not having a next step.

Sephiroth was almost to the edge of campus when a rather garish purple and yellow flyer tacked haphazardly to a cluttered billboard caught his attention. It was advertising a _gender workshop_, hosted by a group that called themselves The Green Carnations.

Furtively, Sephiroth snagged one of the contact information slips hanging from the bottom of the flyer and tucked it into his pocket. Something about that small action felt far more transgressive than any of the research he’d done so far. Perhaps it was the knowledge of how much Hojo would hate this that made it feel so uncomfortable.

Instead of heading back to his Shinra provided quarters, Sephiroth headed to the small apartment he kept in Sector 2. Though he knew he was never entirely unmonitored, his apartment provided a modicum of privacy that his Shinra quarters did not. He knew Genesis and Angeal kept an apartment as well.

Creating a fake email, he sent a message to The Green Carnations inquiring if they had a listserv or mailing list he could subscribe to, as he was interested in attending their workshop but was unfortunately unable to. He got an email in reply far quicker than he expected.

They had both, it turned out. A listserv with some public articles, other information about events and discussion groups and a more thorough and in-depth paper newsletter that was a paid subscription.

Sephiroth requested to be added to the listserv and inquired how to place a subscription to the newsletter.

The following day he opened a post office box, bought a non-Shinra issue tablet to check his email, and mailed off the newsletter subscription fee in cash.

The listserv and newsletter were fascinating. It became increasingly obvious with each article that even Genesis’ quite thorough explanation had only scratched the surface of things.

Through the articles he found books. Fiction, non-fiction, and theory with titles like, “Stone Butch Blues,” “The Testosterone Files,” and “Assuming a Body.” The latter of which he had some trouble getting through as it was a kind of theory he wasn’t used to, but as soon as he finished it he went searching through the listserv and the most recent newsletter for something to read next.

When Sephiroth noticed that his books on gender were now taking up almost half of his small bookshelf, which had previously been entirely military and history textbooks, he realized that somewhere along the line this had stopped being simply a search for information to answer a question. Reading those books had been something he’d _enjoyed_. Regardless, while he now understood better what Genesis was talking about, he still found the whole idea of gender as amorphous with the potential to be everything entirely too complicated.

On a carefully thought out whim, he expressed this feeling in an email thread on the listserv that was discussing various iterations of in-between genders.

The replies that came in were mostly in line with what he’d heard before, simplified explanations and emphasis that there were things _outside_ the man/woman binary instead of just in between. One reply, however, caught his attention:

_“If no gender works for you have you considered you might be agender, that you don’t have a gender at all?”_

Sephiroth didn’t reply; had no idea how to reply. He didn’t typically have casual conversations with people who weren’t Angeal and Genesis. But he started looking for that word in the newsletter and he set his email up to flag emails from the listserv that contained it.

The more Sephiroth read the more he discovered that he quite liked the idea of being genderless. It still seemed too complicated for his situation, but if he were to get to choose something other than male, not having a gender at all sounded nice.

“I’ve been thinking,” Sephiroth said, one night several months later as he, Genesis, and Angeal were relaxing in the living room of Genesis and Angeal’s apartment, having gone out to eat to celebrate the fact that they were all on leave at the same time.

“Should we be worried?” Genesis teased.

Sephiroth hummed noncommittally and continued without addressing Genesis’s statement. “I’ve been thinking about what you said about gender… a while back.”

Genesis immediately shot upright from where he’d been laying on the couch draped over Angeal’s lap. His eyes were lit up like a kid in a candy store. “_And?_”

“I don’t think I want one,” Sephiroth said. “I mean, I’m obviously male, but the whole concept of gender seems… inconvenient.”

Several emotions flickered across Genesis’s face. Hurt, irritation, resignation, Sephiroth had expected, but there was something concerned in Genesis’s gaze too that made him uncomfortable. Sephiroth tried to ignore it.

“I did some research,” Sephiroth continued. “It’s fascinating how much there is.”

Genesis smirked. “Oh you did _research_. How cute, you know there’s a word for not having a gender. It’s-“

“Agender,” Sephiroth said, cutting Genesis off. “I know.” The words came out softer than Sephiroth had intended and for a reason Sephiroth couldn’t discern, Genesis frowned.

Genesis slumped back on the couch. “I guess you really did do your research.”

“Did you go out and talk to people?” Angeal asked. “Because Genesis and I have scoured Shinra’s libraries and there’s nothing.”

“I found a listserv,” Sephiroth said. “It was interesting.”

“You know,” Genesis said, starting to fiddle with the tie of his dressing gown. “If you don’t feel like a guy you don’t have to be one. If you think you don’t have a gender you _can_ just say, ‘Oh I’m agender.’ Not that I’d…” He hesitated. “I’m just saying.”

Sephiroth let out a long breath. “I understand where you’re coming from, but it doesn’t work that way for me.”

Genesis opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it again, frowning.

“Why not?” Angeal asked, expressing the sentiment he knew was rattling around in Genesis’s head.

Sephiroth shrugged, getting to his feet. “My life if much more dictated by Shinra than either of yours. If you’ll excuse me, I should return to my apartment. Lazard has requested to see me in the morning.”

There was a deep seated ache in Sephiroth’s chest as he left Genesis and Angeal’s apartment. He hadn’t realized quite how much he _wanted_ to discard his gender, until he’d verbalized that he couldn’t. But it was true, there was no way Shinra would allow it. No way that _Hojo_ would allow. Hollander didn’t seem to care what Genesis did, but Hollander wasn’t Hojo.

As Sephiroth walked the ache slowly turned toward actual pain and distress and by the time Sephiroth reached his apartment, the hot pressure of tears was starting to build behind his eyes. This was stupid. He hadn’t cried in years, and now here he was on the verge over something so _trivial. _

He was on his way to the bathroom to splash water on his face when he caught sight of his bookshelf. In that instant he hated every book and newsletter about gender on it. Without thinking he lunged forward and tore every single text about gender or sexuality off the shelf, throwing them to the floor.

When Sephiroth was done he didn’t feel any better. In fact, seeing all the books and newsletters that he’d so carefully sought out lying scattered and crumpled on the floor just made him feel worse. He found a box to gather them all into and shoved them in the very back of his closet. He’d figure out the best way to get rid of everything properly tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be a one shot, but there is a second chapter in the works. I'm not 100% sure it will get finished however and I wanted to get the intended one shot up so it doesn't languish away if the second part never gets finished. This will be posted as a one shot until further notice.
> 
> Also [Stone Butch Blues](https://www.lesliefeinberg.net/), The Testosterone Files, and Assuming a Body are all real very rad books. (The link to Stone Butch Blues will lead you to Leslie Feinberg's website where you can get a free pdf of the book).


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the abrupt end to their conversation about gender in the previous chapter, Genesis goes after Sephiroth to figure out why he's upset.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said there might be a second chapter and here it is. Did it turn out the way I initially intended? No. Am I happy with it regardless? Yes.

Neither Angeal or Genesis said anything for a few moments after Sephiroth had left. Finally, Angeal broke the silence.

“You should go after him.”

“If he’s busy tomorrow I should let him rest,” Genesis said. “You know how he gets when he’s tired.” Uncomfortably suggestible and entirely too docile for someone in his position.

“I don’t think he has a meeting with Lazard tomorrow,” Angeal said.

Genesis frowned. “You think he was lying?”

“Lazard specifically told us that he didn’t want to see us for the rest of the week unless there was an emergency. And if there was an emergency we _all_ would have heard about it. So, why would he suddenly change his mind, especially considering Sephiroth is the worst offender when it comes to working through his leave time.”

Angeal sighed. “If we’re being honest, I think it’s more likely Sephiroth just wanted out of an upsetting conversation.”

Genesis knew Angeal was probably right. They’d known Sephiorth for long enough now that they could pick up on the indicators that he was upset, and abruptly leaving a conversation was one of them, though not traditionally, one of the biggest. It was usually only something that happened at PR events, and he’d definitely never done it with a conversation he’d initiated himself before.

“And you’re sure I’m the best person to go after him?” Genesis asked. He was often not particularly adept at dealing with Sephiroth when the younger man was upset, and there was also a non-zero chance that it was some of his comments that had made Sephiroth upset in the first place, or at the very least contributed to it.

Angeal stood up from the couch. “You are the one with the gender expertise. If that’s what Sephiroth is upset about, you stand to help him more than I could.”

Genesis couldn’t fault that logic and he stood up as well. Ugh, this meant he was going to have to get dressed again.

Part of Genesis didn’t expect Sephiroth to answer when he knocked on the younger man’s door, roughly half an hour later. But there he was, in one of the awful scratchy Shinra issue bathrobes, damp like he’d just stepped out of the shower to answer the door.

“Do you need something?”

“I had hoped to talk to you actually,” Genesis said. “It can wait until you’ve finished your shower though.” He knew it took a while with all of Sephiroth’s hair.

“I was just getting out,” Sephiroth said, stepping back from the door so Genesis could some inside.

Genesis wasn’t quite sure if he could believe that, but he stepped inside and Sephiroth closed the door.

They stood in silence for several moments, Genesis suddenly completely at a loss for how to broach the very topic he’d come to discuss. There was little he hated more than feeling at a loss for words, particularly around Sephiroth. Even if it was about something non-professional.

“You said you came to discuss something,” Sephiroth prompted, when the silence continued to drag on.

“I did,” Genesis said. “I know you lied about having a meeting with Lazard tomorrow.”

Sephiroth stiffened and Genesis grimaced internally.

“I’m not here to scold you for lying,” he continued. “Claiming prior engagement is usually an excellent way to get out of a conversation. But when you do it with friends who know when you’re doing it…” Genesis trailed off, sighing. “We were worried, Sephiroth. You seemed upset, and I… know I made some comments that likely didn’t help your mood.”

“I appreciate the apology, but it is unnecessary,” Sephiroth said. “Your teasing had little bearing on what upset me.”

“Are you sure?” Genesis asked. _Something_ had upset Sephiroth, and now that Sephiroth had clarified that it hadn’t been Genesis, well, on top of not feeling guilty about his comments anymore, he could probably wheedle out the information about what really upset Sephiroth. Probably.

“Quite,” Sephiroth replied. “Is that all?”

Genesis huffed. “No_._ Sephiroth… look, I don’t want to have this conversation standing in your front hall.”

Sephiroth stared at Genesis for a moment, in a way that Genesis would almost describe as unsure. Finally Sephiroth nodded. “Let me get another towel for my hair and we can talk, make yourself comfortable.”

Genesis had never really been inside Sephiroth’s apartment before. He’d been to it before, stood in the front hall before, but he’d never been further inside than that. It was much more sparse than he’d expected. The only extravagance seemed to the small bookshelf in the living room. If Genesis were to make an educated guess, he would say there was a hidden room behind it, but maybe that’s just wishful thinking on his part.

When Sephiroth disappeared into his bedroom, Genesis wandered over to the bookshelf. It was mostly empty, holding only a handful of books. One had fallen to the floor and Genesis bent to pick it up.

“Gender Outlaw.” It was a book he’d read before himself, when he’d first become enamored with the idea of picking apart what gender meant to him. Not for the first time that evening, Genesis felt that he’d seriously misjudged how much effort Sephiroth had put into learning about gender.

He flipped the book open. It was annotated very carefully using post-it notes. Most of the notes were cross references to other books, although Sephiroth didn’t appear to own any of the referenced books, as closer examination of the bookshelf revealed them all to be military texts.

“Find anything interesting?”

Genesis, to his credit, did not jump at the sound of Sephiroth’s voice behind him, though he did pivot sharply to face him.

“I did, actually,” Genesis said, lifting “Gender Outlaw” into view. “It’s a good choice, if I might say. I quite like this author’s work.”

As soon as Sephiroth registered the book in Genesis’ hands his face crumpled. In his years of knowing Sephiroth, Genesis had _never_ seen him look so openly vulnerable. He’d seen Sephiroth exhausted and injured and stressed and upset, but not this. However, Sephiroth’s reaction made Genesis think he might have a better idea of what exactly Sephiroth was upset about.

Sephiroth’s face went back to impassive in an instant, but now Genesis could see the cracks in the facade. “What did you want to discuss?”

“This actually,” Genesis said,gesturing with the book. “You… you’ve obviously been thinking about this a lot, and you started to talk about it earlier. I’m not here to force you to tell me anything, but if you _want to, _I have lived this for most of my life and I’ve done my fair share of reading too.”

“I’ve told you all that’s necessary,”Sephiroth said. “I live by Shinra’s rules. I don’t have the luxury of choosing the way you do.”

Genesis was torn between scowling with anger and just being incredibly sad. He wasn’t entirely sure that the facial expression that resulted was at all recognizable. “There are things about your life that Shinra cannot dictate. Your sense of self is one of those things and gender is a part of that.”

Sephiroth didn’t respond. He just stared at Genesis, his carefully held expression wavering. He looked exhausted, not in the physical sense, but emotionally, he seemed ready to collapse.

“Why don’t we sit down?” Genesis suggested.

Sephiroth worried his lip for his moment, another action Genesis couldn’t recall seeing him do before. “Let’s talk in my bedroom, I want to show you something.”

In literally any other situation, Genesis would have felt elated by that sentence, right now it just made him feel worried. However, as Sephiroth turned back into his bedroom, Genesis did follow after him.

“Did you know that I didn’t have an apartment of my own until after you and Angeal got one?” Sephiroth asked, once Genesis had shut the door behind them.

Genesis blinked. He hadn’t known that.

“It wasn’t something I had ever realized I could ask for.” He turned to look at Genesis. “You can sit down on the bed, I don’t mind.”

Genesis did; it was very uncomfortable.He set the book down next to him to free his hands.

“I am aware that being raised within Shinra has skewed my perspective of the world. My life has been carefully dictated since I was born and it has been, insisted, repeatedly, that I am male. I don’t think Shinra will change their mind just because I might think I feel otherwise.”

“So don’t tell them,” Genesis said. “You surely don’t think the higher ups know that I wasn’t born a man do you? Lazard knows, Hollander knows andof course my medical team knows. No one else, not even the president.”

Sephiroth was silent, but his face flickered with emotion.

“I can’t speak to your exploration with gender,” Genesis continued. “I only know what you told Angeal and myself about not wanting a gender. But if you do decide you want to live like that, you could have that with us. There are plenty of people out their who live their lives with only a small circle of people knowing who they really are. Hiding is never easy, but it’s easier when you have friends.”

“Are we friends?” Sephiroth’s mask had slipped completely and his voice was choked.

“Yes,” Genesis said, getting to his feet. “Without question.”

Sephiroth crumbled, breath hitching and eyes welling, and Genesis only hesitated for a moment before reaching out. Being comforting had never been a strong suit of his, Angeal was always better at it, but Angealwasn’t here, so Genesis had to try _something._

When Genesis rested a hand on Sephiroth’s arm, he flinched like he intended to jerk away, but then he stilled and let out a shaking breath. “My apologies, I’m not…”

“It’s all right,” Genesis cuts him off, curling his hand around Sephiroth’s forearm. “Sit down with me?”

Sephiroth hesitated for a moment, but then he moved to sit on the bed, and Genesis let go of his arm to do the same.

“I don’t know why this has me so distraught,” Sephiroth said. “I’ve spent my entire life learning how to compartmentalize, but when it comes to this I just…” He shook his head.

“It’s a lot to deal with,” Genesis said, ever so slowly reaching out to take Sephiroth’s hand. “I’ve had years to work things out and the support of Angeal and my parents, you’ve had, what, a handful of months and few conversations with me and Angeal?”

“Where do you suggest I start?” Sephiroth asked, there was a bitterness creeping into the edge of his voice, that made Genesis feel like he was preparing himself to reject the answer.

“Why don’t you start by telling me what exactly you wanted to show me?” Genesis felt quite proud of his response when Sephiroth’s eyebrows shot up in surprise.

Sephiroth made to get up, but Genesis tugged him back. “I said _tell_ me what you were going to show me. I’m tired, you can show me in the morning.”

Sephiroth’s eyes were watery again when he looked at Genesis. “More books,” he said after a moment, gesturing to the copyof “Gender Outlaw” that Genesis had set down. “I read as much as I could, I _filled_ that bookshelf. When I got home earlier, I tore them all of the shelf and shoved them in the back of the closet. When you showed up, I had thought to give them to you.”

“Keep them,” Genesis said. “I think you’d regret giving them up.”

“Genesis, I can’t…”Sephiroth trailed off.

“You can,” Genesis said in return. He wasn’t entirely certain what it was Sephiroth was saying he couldn’t do, but Genesis felt his answer would probably be the same either way. “Now, I’m going to lie down on your horridly uncomfortable mattress and you are going to join me and we are going to go to sleep. Tomorrow we can pick up where we left off tonight and you can show me those books. Well, after I order you a better mattress at any rate.”

Sephiroth gave a small laugh and let Genesis pull him down onto the bed. “Thank you,” he murmured as Genesis pulled the covers up over them and flicked off the light.

“Think nothing of it,” Genesis said. “After all, what are friends for?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ["Gender Outlaw" by Kate Bornstein](https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/16246/gender-outlaw-by-kate-bornstein/9781101973240/) is a really fantastic book that I would highly recommend to anyone wanting to explore nonbinary genders.


End file.
